Growing old is never an easy road to travel down. It’s an ever-changing journey for everyone in this world, and everyone handles it differently. Addressing this change may be difficult for those who are further along in this journey. As an adult child with an aging parent, addressing tough issues about age and how to prosper as an elderly person can be a daunting task. And what happens when one of those aging parents has lost their spouse? If you’re a caregiver who’s lost their mother, you are facing your own grief, but your father is also facing his. Confronting dad about his next move in life may be tougher than you thought. Leaving the family home may seem like the best available option, but it’s important to consider all the facts. Addressing something like leaving the family home to your now widowed father will take time, patience, and above all understanding.
Leaving the Family Home
Recognizing Signs
Having complete understanding is the most important part of discussing this tough issue. But first, you’ll want to know some tell-tale signs that leaving the family home is the right choice. These signs of aging can be what helps you convince dad to make the change to assisted living, at-home care, or a nursing home. When you make your trips over to the house, here are some things to look for or ask:
-Has the house/yard started looking unkempt compared to what it usually resembles?
-Are proper meals being prepared and eaten?
-Has your parent suffered any falls or have strange bruising?
-Can they lift and bathe themselves on their own?
-Are medications being properly managed if needed?
-Are there stacks of bills or important paperwork laying around?
-Can they still drive and navigate around the town?
-Do they have friends or are they isolated?
These are just some of the signs you should be looking out for to judge your father’s aging process. If you see these things happening, you may need to have the talk about leaving the family home and heading to a care facility or possibly moving in with your family. If you do decide to confront him about what you see, remember he, just like you is experiencing a great change and coping with it in his own way.
Your Perspective
From your standpoint, your father needs help. He has lost his wife, his home isn’t as spotless as you remember, his health is declining, and he’s alone. You may have raised the issue before, but your father denies he needs help; you feel like he is being stubborn and ignoring his troubles. You’ve also taken extra time out of your day to start dropping in on him several days a week to make him dinner, collect the mail, maybe water his garden. This on top of any stress at home can be difficult. If you have children of your own to worry about, a house to tend, and a full-time job, adding on this responsibility can cause some serious burnout. All you want to do is help, but you can’t help but feel like you’re hurting your father’s feelings.
His Perspective
Your father is going through a plethora of emotions. His recent loss, his failing health, and dependence on his child can be causing him a lot of pain. In his world, his wife may have been the main reason for the bills getting paid, the house staying clean, and the meals getting prepared. Without her, he may not know how to do all of those things for himself on his own. There is also the fact that he built and raised a family in this house. If he sells his family home, what will happen to his garden? Will the new tenants paint over the dashes marking your height on the molding of the bathroom doorway? He may also have fears about being a burden on you or moving to a place with strict rules and new people.
How to Clear the Air
The best way to find the best care option for your father is set up better communication. Here are some ways to better discuss these tough issues at hand:
Listen: Always listen to your aging parent before telling them what you think. Chances are they will tell you something that could change your stance on the matter. By listening, you’re giving them a safe, comforting space to open up about whatever grief, stress, or fears they have regarding aging and leaving the family home for a different form of care.
Be Direct: If you’re frustrated, let them know. You can be direct about your feeling and your opinions about their health care as long as you remain level headed. Being direct helps find a common ground for the decision-making process and letting them know what’s up may help them see the things they need to change.
Step Back: If you’ve repeatedly been trying to pull a decision out of your aging parents about senior care, knowing when to back off is a good thing. Constant badgering isn’t helping anyone and both sides will become frustrated to no end. It is important to state your opinion in the beginning and give it some time to breathe before discussing again. In the meantime, each side can make pros and cons lists to further the discussion.
Tend to Yourself: As a caregiver, you won’t be any help if you don’t feel well. Always take the time to care for yourself and your needs before others. You’ll have more energy and a clearer head to tackle the tougher decision and tasks asked of you when you feel relaxed and well rested.
